Day 30 of National PTSD Awareness Month:
So here we are. I have explained my take on PTSD and why I think it is a more helpful way of looking at it. I have talked about most of the symptoms and how they can save your life and make it painful later for you and your family.
If you want more about that there is a free pamphlet at patiencepress.com "The War at Home." It started out as a talk for a retreat the National Conference of Vietnam Veteran Ministers gave for couples. At the end of what I thought was so obvious, everyone cheered. You don't usually get cheers at a spiritual retreat. So I made it into a pamphlet.
I have also talked about types of help and why it is important to look for extra things that help you. I found the 12 steps helpful especially in accepting and sitting with painful emotion. Bob learned that from meditation. It is a skill you learn in many kinds of therapy and it is essential for recovery, because you can't heal what you can't feel.
So no matter where you are in the journey to recovery, I wish you well. It is not easy to change and grow. It is not fair that after all the shit you survived, you have also to do the painful work of recovery. The only thing I can say is that it will be worth it.
When I wake up in the morning, sometimes I forget and give Bob some advice. Instead of getting mad like he did in the old days when I thought everything I said was RIGHT, he just grins. I go, "Oh, sorry. Doing it again." He gets this ridiculous meek look on his face and says, "Don't worry, honey, I'm used to it." We both laugh like crazy. Then, since it is irresistible, I say, "Well if you need any more shit, let me know, because I have plenty." More laughter.
I love him more every day. And he, oddly enough, loves me!
Every change I made in myself gave him room to change. Since I was only able to make very small changes, I know that is how people change. Every time he makes a little change, I know how hard that is so I appreciate the effort. I used to not notice because I was so wrapped up in how messed up he was.
It is not easy living with PTSD for either of us. I was just kidding him today because occasionally our PBS station messes up. One of those round TV signals that used to come on when the station went off the air comes on. Bob used to sit and watch that and then the snow after that went off. After I said "You used to watch that and the snow," it hit me. I realized and said, "You were in such hell." He looked up at me and I could see it had been hell. But it isn't now most of the time. For that I am glad.
Our suffering has been transformed.
We have been able to help others.
That is a blessing.